I am suffering! Forgive me! I am suffering!
the future life — it is such an enigma
I shut my eyes and ask myself if everyone has faith, where did it come from? And then they do say that it all comes from terror at the menacing phenomena of nature, and that none of it’s real. <…> It’s awful! How-how can I get back my faith? <…> Have come now to lay my soul before you and to ask you about it.
I stand and look about me and see that scarcely anyone else cares; no one troubles his head about it, and I’m the only one who can’t stand it. It’s deadly—deadly!
By the experience of active love. Strive to love your neighbour actively and indefatigably. In as far as you advance in love you will grow surer of the reality of God and of the immortality of your soul. If you attain to perfect self-forgetfulness in the love of your neighbour, then you will believe without doubt, and no doubt can possibly enter your soul. This has been tried. This is certain.
The dialogue is taken from the Brothers Karamazov between the elder Zosima and a noblewoman.
Where is the spiritual fundament laid? Again and again, we read about the scenes from childhood of one person or another…
You must know that there is nothing higher and stronger and more wholesome and good for life in the future than some good memory, especially a memory of childhood, of home. People talk to you a great deal about your education, but some good, sacred memory, preserved from childhood, is perhaps the best education. If a man carries many such memories with him into life, he is safe to the end of his days, and if one has only one good memory left in one’s heart, even that may sometime be the means of saving us1.
Воспоминания детства, оказывается2, могут спасти человека, воспоминания детства могут его отвратить от3 зла.
When Dostoevsky wrote his last book dedicated it to his wife, Anna (with a subtle subtext honouring a happy marriage and its significance), he took a trip down memory lane. Dostoevsky reflected on his mother’s premature death4, the mysterious and tragic death of his father5, and the devastation of his parents’ newly purchased estate, which was completely burned down.... However, there was also the love of his father and mother, as well as the love from the woman from the merchant community who brought him and his siblings up. Their nanny, Alyona Frolovna is a great example of humanity. Для Достоевского няня Алёна Фроловна — это замечательный пример человечности, и для него это ещё и замечательный пример русского характера, народного характера6. One day, she came to Dostoevsky’s mother and asked for taking her money that she had saved while serving at their house… The nanny was willing to give her savings to strangers because she trusted them and felt their grief.
Reading more, immersing myself in the lives of those I mentioned in every newsletter, made every step feel worthwhile. Writing made my mind clear and my heart certain7. People betray but that doesn’t mean you must betray and\or paint everyone with the same brush. Everything is a choice, your choice. I’d like to follow in Tatiana Kasatkina’s footsteps and reflect through the idea of two-folded images, especially in the story of Peter the Apostle: his denial and return. You should give a chance to everyone and everything. It can truly help a person transform.
And, as you might expect, those names convinced me of one thing — nothing is worthy of моего внимания, если я знаю, что it won’t bring happiness or tranquil to my loved ones. It’s inevitable that we suffer if we love; but it makes us feel alive. Мы страдаем because simply can’t completely share sadness of our friend or our happiness with the one (we perceive everything too personally — мы не можем поделиться8 one thing completely similarly, perhaps, due to different experience). To love a person as yourself, according to Christ’s commandment, is impossible. The law of individuality on Earth binds. “I” prevents it, Dostoevsky wrote in his diary. Cease your suffer by trying to embrace a loved one — that’s love. How many are ready for that? Job title comes first, and money! We bind ourselves to it. We’ve lost our sense of belonging, hidden behind sunglasses and cocooned in headphones. “My joy? Not something I wanna share with. No one’s earned it. Nah.” Oh, it’s just rang a bell! A text by Franzen that I read years ago… All right, we move on..!
Look at your parents living душа в душу9 последние 20-30-40 лет. It’s hard but they still try. Eventually they win the war, not a battle, standing side by side. Just remember Akakiy Akakievich from the Overcoat, who, out of fear and doubts, neglected all human relantionships. He could only find joy in wearing his new overcoat, only to eventually die after losing item he had become attached to. Then think of the timid and clumsy Pierre Bezukhov from War and Peace, who, out of love and loyalty, endured so much and ultimately gained a wonderful woman and then earned recognition in society. Can you remember the names of those who chose titles to people, how did they end up? Brr. That is not what I wish to you, dear reader. So, please, be bold! Don’t let the throwaway culture win! :)
Я заканчиваю на этом. До следующего письма! :)
PS. It was lovely to find a newsletter in my inbox the other day. Usually hilarious and fun though an English teacher is10 , he shared exactly what I’m expressing in this very letter. And somehow, it made me feel that я не одинока having such a frame of mind!
“Знайте же, что ничего нет выше, и сильнее, и здоровее, и полезнее впредь для жизни, как хорошее какое-нибудь воспоминание, и особенно вынесенное ещё из детства, из родительского дома. Вам много говорят про воспитание ваше, а вот какое-нибудь этакое прекрасное, святое воспоминание, сохраненное с детства, может быть, самое лучшее воспитание и есть. Если много набрать таких воспоминаний с собою в жизнь, то спасён человек на всю жизнь. И даже если и одно только хорошее воспоминание при нас останется в нашем сердце, то и то может послужить когда-нибудь нам во спасение”.
The final words spoken by Alyosha in the final chapter of the Brothers Karamazov.
often; as it turns out
preclude from <evil>
He was 16 years old.
Два года спустя, когда ему исполнилось 18 years old.
of a <Russian> folk character
and perhaps here, I should give tribute to my lovely companions, who decided to accompany us to Korennaya Pustyn in the summer of 2023. Resting in the shades of trees, we enjoyed our homemade pies and other sweets, chuckling, joking and… writing down our impressions of our earlier mishap (we’d gotten off at the wrong train station and had to walk a long way back!). On that day, I realized what writing means to a person.
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in perfect harmony; literally: soul to soul